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The other day, I was watching the Mets against the Baltimore Orioles. It was a pretty good game, even though, as we all know, every player on the Mets is bad, no matter what their first-place record might indicate. So, anyway, I was sitting there, minding my own business, when my brother came along, wanting to switch the channel to watch a movie called Cellular. This is, in fact, not the first time this has happened. A few weeks ago, he wanted me to watch this movie with him, but I decided that it sounded stupid. At the time, I opted to watch In Good Company instead—not because it seemed like a particularly good movie, but because I was going through a Scarlett Johannson phase at the time. Oh, and because I really didn’t want to watch Cellular. Well, this time, I gave in and watched the movie with my brother.

The movie is about a woman, who is played by Kim Basinger, and her abduction by a bunch of crooked cops. By the way, I had just watched the first Batman and can’t believe I saw two Kim Basinger movies in a row like that. So, yeah, this woman is kidnapped, because these cops want her husband, who has a video tape of them killing some people. Kim Basinger is locked in an attic, where she finds a smashed telephone. Then, after randomly connecting wires together, she calls some guy played by Chris Evans, the same actor from Fantastic Four. Do you see where I’m going with this? This movie has the Human Torch in it! The movie also stars Jason Statham, the guy from The Transporter. However, I’m much more familiar with him in The One and Ghosts of Mars, two terrible, terrible movies. Chris Evans decides to help the woman, but first, his phone is about to die, so he does the only sensible thing. He finds a gun in the car he had just stolen from a school and holds up a cell phone store to get a charger. Then he ends up stealing a Porsche from some obnoxious lawyer. In the end, a cop, who loves his day spa, played by William H. Macy, saves the day. Everyone is happy! Of course, the main character is probably wanted for grand theft auto.

Overall, I give Cellular 1.5 stars. I would give it lower, but there was a certain made-for-tv movie called Scarecrow Slayer on the Sci-Fi channel the other night and…

P.S. Jessica Biel is also in Cellular for a full 3 minutes.

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